Survivor Woman

Eleven days until takeoff and I am starting to feel a bit uneasy. I discovered a lot of information about my trip to both South Africa and Swaziland in the past couple days and the more I hear, the more excited I become. 

There is some mild irrational fear that I'll somehow end up lost in the middle of nowhere to survive off the winter African bush like Les Stroud, using only my wits and a shoelace. In that case, at least I know that the go-pro will come in handy.

Realistically, I am a bit afraid of becoming lonely. It seems a bit ridiculous to fear becoming lonely while I am still surrounded by people, but honestly I don't think I would be able to handle a low-stimulative environment so soon after the conclusion of this semester. I have become accustomed to a 19 s.h. work load, which included advanced nutrition, catalyzing the reaction of serial ugly crying over the last test (nutrition majors know where I'm coming from). The catabolic hormone levels were so real last week. Though over-saturation can be stressful, I still stand firmly in my belief that boredom is ten times worse than over-stimulation. I'll be taking my last exam on Thursday, May 7th at 5:30pm and am heading home to finish packing so that I'll be ready to head to the airport on Friday at 5:00am on Friday. It's a little tight, but I have determined that if a panic attack hasn't happened by now, my mind is made of iridium. Maybe I did have one and that was the ugly crying.

On a more serious note, I have been doing a lot of introspection concerning my faith and am beginning to recognize some serious flaws that I have developed by being constantly stressed all the time. When I am survival mode, I become very rigid, things that were once of low importance and up to interpretation became black and white to me as I analytically determined my next move in order to climb the overhang. I began to develop an undesirably negative, bossy, prideful version of myself that was distasteful to even my own liking. I took some time this week to soak up some of the positivity and affirmation of God's word and creation. I am realizing that the reason I was turning into an animal is not necessarily because I was stressed all the time, but because I was prioritizing my relationship with school over my relationship with Christ and I was disallowing Christ from carrying my burdens for me because I wanted to be "self-sufficient," meaning I wanted all the burden and all the glory and satisfaction of accomplishment rather than giving God the glory, the God that created my mind, body, and all the miraculous biochemical pathways that I have been studying. I have been holding myself to a standard that I humanly cannot obtain, a standard of perfectionism and professionalism rather than a standard of compassion, grace, and humility. And what's worse is that I have been pushing all my perfectionist expectations and critical mentality onto my close friends.

"Sawubona," meaning "I see you" is a Siswati greeting that truly is a message that I needed to hear today. I need to remind myself that being love is more important than having the appearance of intelligence or success. Forcing myself to remain wide-eyed with a centered heart and a gracious mindset allows me to see people for more significance than simply their relation to me. People, just like life, are so much more than external factors. Being a selfish giver is something that I struggle with, not necessarily because I am doing things for external credit, but for the somewhat narcissistic satisfaction of having been a good person. Serving others is an act of love that does not expect to see the fruits of its labor. Focusing on the hearts of others also allows me to be more like the person that I wish I was, a graceful woman that is patient, kind, content with the present, humble, respectful, selfless, peace-seeking, forgiving, affirmative, protective, trusting, hopeful, and able to endure almost anything in the name of love. Why do I want to be this person? Because that person is not just the best version of myself, but the person that I am called to be in Christ. That person has a true purpose in Christ, a purpose beyond transient personal satisfaction. Why am I traveling halfway across the world to learn something if I have no application other than to my personal satisfaction of development? If fulfilling a purpose brings satisfaction, what would be the purpose in life if there was no purpose but my own satisfaction?

I'm trying to get ready, to properly align my heart, to pack, to study. To family and friends, please pray that I am able to keep my cool and my focus on the present while maintaining an aligned heart during final exam/packing week. And don't worry, when I'm stranded in wild Africa, I'll likely be wearing two shoelaces.